An ENFJ — in her still, quiet healing arc

 

Life, full of pretending —
sometimes it’s just… too heavy.
Overwhelming, because you know your nature —the expressive you…

But for boundaries, for haya’,
you choose silence.
Showing only fragments of yourself,
only when necessary.

But… I don’t regret it.
Though it isn’t easy, I call it self-control.
And alhamdulillah for every burnout,
every hurt Allah has written for me —
I am learning to see them
not as pain,
but as blessings.

For that…
I allowed myself to soften —
to finally see things clearly,
to set aside dunya,
and anchor myself in akhirah.
Cuz I know…
‘it will all be worth it.’

I once didn’t get it.
Like… why did I have to feel that way?

“It’s His protection.” — well said.

If I hadn’t felt that way, maybe…
I would still be trapped in the
kebobrokan dunia,
still chasing everyone’s expectations,
still striving for what’s so-called
“appreciation” and “perfectionism”.

I used to live that way —
too invested,
involved in literally everything,
while… bleeding quietly inside.

For sure, I love taking part.
But somewhere along the way,
it stopped feeling right.

I am just… tired.
I need rest.
learning to just… simply exist… and breathe at ease.

And while I’m resting?
I am finally finding peace.
Discovering the “me” I want to become —
slowly… but surely… progressing.

For the first time,
choosing myself.
Prioritizing my mental health.
Prioritizing bettering my akhlaq.
Keeping myself on track…
from getting lost,
again.

Somehow, without me even noticing,

I began to use silence as protection…

and “introvert” as a facade.
Sometimes, seriousness —
that untouchable look —
serves as a shield.
It restrains,
yet allows me to breathe freely,
to feel a quiet lightness within.

But of course,
some still glimpse the softness in me —
the clingy, needy, dependent parts.
The ones I call home.

And when I think about it,

I sometimes find it… silly.

Lembut? Ayu? Not me.

I was the exact opposite back then.

It’s just that… till now,
I am still learning how to practice good akhlaq — wherever I go, whatever I do.

Mungkin juga kerana mindset “ustazah” —
that quiet push to change,
to reshape parts of myself…
slowly finding its place within me.

Also the fact that I’m writing this now~
I don’t know… haha. 
It just crossed my mind.

But I hope that one day,
when I read this again, years from now…
I will be finally healed —
and no longer a prisoner to my past.

I know I am not losing sight

of who I really am.
I am just… simply practicing haya’,
and keeping my boundaries — as I wish to be a better Muslimah —
and I’m still trying. :))